January 24, 2020

Wor, wor nevar changez


Rite now tha english speeking wurld is undergoing thee most trying kahnfruntashun in historee: Tha wor on wurdz. I like wurdz. Thay mayk me happee, and thay mayk me sad. Thay kan kunfuse me beyond beleef, and cawz a howel uv laffter 2 erupd frum tha depze of mi beeng. Wurdz literullee form tha entire baseses uv understanding weev ben cultivating sence tha furst neeanderthol tutched fire and sed “Owie.”

Withowt wurdz tha onlee wey I’d be abul 2 convay this collum 2 yew wuld be threw a 17-minut interpretiv danse. Now, whyel I am capuhbel uv mooving yew 2 teerz with mi grasefull but serprizinglee powerful coreeografy, and wood gladlee flaunt mi sick moovez to tha wurld, itz simplee naht praktikul 4 me 2 pursonalee enturtane eetch 1 uv yew with mi dazzling dansing.

It wuld make sents that I luv werdz tho. In a sents, I tern werdz in 2 munee. Mi entier jahb is lisuhning 2 rezidentz, writing out tha important bits and kollekting tha 75 sents 4 eetch ishu sold. That sed, I beleev I am a far cri frum tha “grammer not see,” that I hav ben laybulld bi mi significund uther. However, ther cumz a poynt when enuff is enuff, and ritchus retribushun becumz nesuhsaree. We wurdzmiths kannot kuntinew 2 standbi whyel txt messuhgez and emalez massucur tha varee langwage that haz creeated tha lituraree landskap whytch we all play in tooday.

Most likelee yewve allredee notissed sumtheeng a bit off abowt this cahlum. Is it a bit hardur 2 reed then normul? Did yew hav 2 rereed that last paragraf abowt 7 timz 2 aktuallee kahmprehend wut I’m atemting 2 cunvay? *Do yew undurstand tha wurdz that r cuming owt uv mi mow-*, w8 … *feengurtipz*.

Up to now this column has been the bane of my proofreader’s existence (Hi, Kim!). It was purposely written in a way that would make her eyes bleed and cause her to curse my ancestors for being related to such an illiterate monster. However, the intent is not to torment her. In fact, the true cause is quite the opposite.

I want, no, I _need_ to show everyone that words do matter! It matters if that comma is before or after the “but” when you text your mother “Great but, I want to go home.” I care because if I were to eat “desert” after dinner, I’d get a mouthful of sand. It matters because incense is a smelly stick my hippie friends light on fire, and incest is, well, I think you get the point.

We live in a world where technology is making everything exponentially easier, but somehow that is just making us exponentially better at finding ways to be lazy. We are a single mouse-click or screen-tap away from having perfect spelling, but somehow that is still much too difficult.

So I say unto you, my fellow word nerds, rebel! Don’t fall victim to the sweet allure of slothfulness and apathy. I am with you, I am one of you and we are not alone! Do not despair, dictionary, for we word nerds will defend you with our pocket protectors filled with red ink pens until the day we die!

Or at leest untill that nuu swype app cumz out, I herd yew dohnt even haf to lift yor feenger off yor fohn 2 tipe. How awsum is that?!?


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