February 25, 2020

Eric’s 2018 Absurd Gift Guide


With the mountains of turkey and gravy having been consumed last week, Thanksgiving is now over and we have officially entered the holiday season. That means time to reflect on those you love and prepare to see them on Christmas Day.

Oh who am I kidding? It means it’s officially Christmas shopping season, the time of year you set out to spend massive amounts of money you don’t have on gifts that will be discarded within seconds of them being opened.

We all want to be the best gift giver around the Christmas tree, right? Well, I’m here to help you out with some of my favorite Christmas gifts this holiday season, all of which are completely, 100 percent real items you can buy right now.

• Yodeling Pickle — $12.86

What’s better than a plain old, regular pickle? One that yodels of course! What better way to show your significant other how much you love them this holiday season than an electronic yodeling pickle? This 5 1/4-inch plastic pickle will “yodel its little heart out” when you push the button, according to the manufacturer, providing “hours of mindless fun.” Of course, the fun cannot be had without three “C” batteries, but thankfully those are included. The manufacturer recommends the yodeling pickle for ages 13-17 years.

And if a pickle isn’t your style, you can instead pick up a strip of yodeling bacon for only $19.99.

• Bacon Cologne — $36

Speaking of bacon, ladies, you can’t go wrong getting your husband/boyfriend/neighbor boy down the street a gift of bacon this holiday season. Everything is better with bacon, including cologne, apparently. That’s right, get your very own bacon cologne from Fargginay. Available in two varieties, Bacon Gold for a lighter scent and Bacon Classic for a heavier scent, the manufacturer states that the products are designed to be enjoyed by men and women. If you’re a single lady seeking a strong, carnivorous man, just spray on some bacon cologne and they’ll most certainly start flocking your way. We suggest, however, that you avoid the dog park, zoos and the jungle after using.

And for the vegans out there, you have nothing to worry about because no animals are used in the making of bacon cologne.

• Cutting Fruit Crate — $14.99

If you’re looking for a great gift for the toddler in your life, look no further than Melissa & Doug’s Cutting Fruit Crate. The kit, designed for children 2 and older, includes several pieces of fruit that are velcroed together and can then be “cut” with the provided “knife,” making a “realistic crunching sound.” Because what better thing to teach the 2-year-old in your life than how to wield a knife?

• Infrared Supine Sauna — $14,000

Have a giant chest of cash sitting in your house that you don’t know what to do with? Buy a giant clam-shaped sauna for that special person in your life. The infrared supine sauna is a personal sauna that “allows users to lie in a comfortable supine position while infrared lamps provide deep, penetrating, soothing heat.” The sauna bed comes encased with 440 jade stones, which apparently have been used in China since the Neolithic era to relax the nervous system. The website this product is offered on actually has the nerve to give you an option to purchase more than one of these, so why not get seven or eight while you’re at it?

• Numi Intelligent Toilet with Kohler Konnect— $5,625

Do you know someone with a dumb toilet? Get them the new Numi Intelligent Toilet from Kohler, which apparently isn’t smart enough to know the correct way to spell “Konnect.” This toilet is Kohler’s most advanced toilet, which features ambient color lighting, bluetooth music sync capability, a heated seat and foot warmer. You can also control the toilet through voice command and with Amazon Alexa, Google Assistant and Siri.

Hey Siri, flush my toilet, I forgot.

It also has a remote control, which we advise you not to touch, ever and it keeps track of water usage. Just pray it doesn’t get hacked.

As you can see, there is no reason to go out this holiday season and buy some ordinary item for that special person in your life. Instead, put some effort into it and buy a gift that is truly unique.

Because how else can you say “I love you,” than with a toilet that connects to the internet?


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