November 27, 2014

Why is this guy coming to Michigan?

Around the big top

By Tim Barnum|Staff writer
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Posted 4/1/09

So Samuel Wurzelbacher (Joe the plumber) is coming to Michigan on April 15 to address the Michigan Taxpayer Tea Party. Should be interesting and insightful as he shares his wealth of knowledge with those in attendance.

Not.

We all remember when Sam (I refuse to call him Joe) supposedly stumped then candidate Barack Obama with a question about his taxes going up, even though he wasn’t in the income level that would see a tax increase. For some reason, his mug was then plastered all over the television and his name was mentioned about 1,000 times per debate afterwards. Now, still clinging to his 15 minutes, he makes his way to Michigan.

I don’t think this will go over well, he really doesn’t know anything he’s talking about.

Sammy was asked in an interview last year why he felt a President Obama administration would signify the end of Israel, as he had been quoted as saying in a prior statement. His reply, paraphrased, was something along these lines.

“I suggest everybody do some research to find out why I feel that way.”

Not only do you have to ask him questions, but you also have to provide him with an answer.

So that influenced me to give everyone a preview of Wurzlebacher’s Michigan stop.

Q: Joe, are you running for the GOP nomination in 2012?

A: I suggest you do some research on whether or not my candidacy would go over well. If it would, please begin assembling a campaign staff. After that is complete, come up with some policies and focal points of my campaign. I’m open to suggestions.

Q: Joe, what is it like being a celebrity?

A: I can’t tell you. I consider myself an “every man.” But if you would like some insight, I suggest you buy my first book, the second one in the works and watch for me making appearances on the tube. Of course, I didn’t write the books or schedule the TV appearances, my publicist did. Like I said, I’m no celebrity, I just do what my publicist, agent and security guard tells me to – just like every ordinary American.

Q: Joe, can you fix my leaky sink?

A: No.

Q: Joe, I recently read an Internet article that said you and Tucker Carlson are fans of the Snuggie. Are you serious?

A: No. As I said before, I do whatever my publicist, agent and security guard tell me to, like every ordinary American. Even I’m not dumb enough to buy into those things.

Q: Joe, you do love Snuggies, don’t you?

A: Yes.

Q: Joe, what’s the difference between a pipe wrench and monkey wrench?

A: I suggest you do some research on the two items and tell me the difference. To my knowledge, one is used to fix pipes and the other is used to fix monkeys.

Of course, these are just hypothetical questions. I’m sure those in attendance will also want to know about Sam’s baldness and constant squinting.

If you have a question for him, make sure you’re in Lansing on April 15, and hurry. It’s been about 14 minutes and 59 seconds.

His time is running out.

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