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What to not get me for Christmas


There’s always some gifts that people just don’t want.

I’m no exception, so any of you out there that may be planning to get me a Christmas gift, please listen.

Do not, I repeat do not, buy me a “star.”

What a ridiculous scam. “Registering” a star in someone’s name.

First off, when they advertise this as a legitimate gift, they call it perfect. That’s beyond laughable. How is it perfect? Does it help anybody? Does it make the person’s life better? I can’t see how it does.

Next, how do they choose which star to name after you? Just look up in the sky at night and randomly point up? What if I get a star I didn’t want? Or worse, one that I can’t find?

Oh, I forgot, once you enter the star registry, you get a star map.

Okay, please explain to me how this would work. It must tell you exactly how to find “your” star. Probably something like this:

1. Look north

2. Find the North Star

3. Turn 90 degrees east until you see Orion’s Belt

4. Tilt your head backwards six inches so you are looking approximately 3 million light years west of Orion’s Belt

5. See that star? No not that one, the other one. NO, THAT ONE! IT’S RIGHT THERE WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

Plus, what if they give you a star you don’t want? I don’t want some cruddy little dwarf star in some galaxy named “Ultron” or “X5.”

Just a side note, how come in movies, other galaxies have names like the ones listed above, while ours is “The Milky Way?” That’s a truly horrible name.

Anyhow, if someone is cruel enough to buy me a star, I do have a few stipulations.

First, my number one option of a star is the sun. If you can pull this off, I will actually be pleased, since the Solar System would be rotating around Tim Barnum, aka the sun. It would also be easy to find my star then, since people could see it during the day when it’s the only one out. Also, the ladies would be outside all summer trying to get that “Tim Barnum tan.”


There would be some negatives to being the sun though. People would blame you for Global Warming and fear that you will one day collide with the Earth and cause total annihilation.

I can live with that.

If you can’t score me the sun for a Christmas present, and you are still so clueless you want to buy me a gift I don’t want in the least bit, then please make it a Supernova.

This way I will be lucky enough to have my star explode, possibly destroying an entire planet or moon or other star (wouldn’t it be ironic if my star blew up someone else’s?). This way, I can say my star was faulty, and demand my money back.

So in summation, do not buy me a star for Christmas unless it is the sun or a supernova.

Actually let me rephrase that last statement. Do not buy me a star for Christmas… at all.


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