The end is near... maybe?
News Editor | firstname.lastname@example.org
Well folks, it’s just about the last year for this big old rock we call home according to the Mayan calendar. The only problem is, we aren’t sure exactly how everything’s going to shake down.
So I have gone ahead and played odds-maker as to how Armageddon will ensue on Dec. 21, 2012.
Scenario 1: the Rapture.
Odds: 100 to 1.
I was always told if somebody predicted the day of the Rapture, then you know it won’t happen on the predicted day. Earlier this year, Harold Camping predicted it would happen May 21. Then, he reneged and said he meant Oct. 21. I learned through Wikipedia that he also predicted the Rapture for May 21, 1988 and Sept. 6, 1994. Either Camping is completely out of his gourd, or we’re all toast. I’m going with the former statement.
Scenario 2: a comet/meteor strikes the planet.
Odds: 50 to 1.
Recently, comet Lovejoy made its way through the solar system and survived a brush with the sun. There is more to the story, but to be honest, I don’t know what the heck most of it means, as I’m no astronomer. However, the pictures looked cool, and I would recommend looking at them on the Internet. Let’s get back to the odds, though. I feel since Earth is currently protected by a massive layer of floating space garbage, the comet would be buffeted if it was coming toward the planet, break apart and at worse, we’d get a couple of big chunks of Lovejoy plummeting to the ground. I have no idea if any of this is accurate, but I don’t think it’s going to happen, hence the 50-1 odds.
Scenario 3: Y2K.
Odds: 1,000,000 to 1.
It didn’t happen in the year 2000. Was it just playing with our heads? Was it waiting ’til we least expected it? Nope. We can all continue to chow down on all the canned corn, bags of dry beans and powdered milk we stocked up on 12 years ago.
Scenario 4: zombie apocalypse.
Odds: 10 to 1.
Perhaps the odds-maker (me) is using wishful thinking here, but I’m still holding onto a few shreds of hope. True, a massive outbreak that turns humans into undead cannibals seems unlikely, but all it really takes is one devious plot from an evil multinational pharmaceutical company and an unknowing doctor to administer the virus, and BAM — zombies everywhere. And since we live in a world where greed and money call the shots, don’t tell me there isn’t some sick individual out there willing to throw mankind into a flesh eating hysteria just for a sack of cash.
Scenario 5: the world as we know it does not end.
Odds: Very good.
I feel this really needs no description.
So there you have it folks. The end of the world has been handicapped, and betting is open. Good luck!