December 19, 2014
Around the big top

Summer blockbusters abound, but I wouldn't know

By Tim Barnum|Staff writer
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Posted 6/30/09

There are so many supposedly great movies that are coming out this summer. Critics tell me “Don’t wait!” or that I “Have got to see this!” but I ignore the hype.

In fact, going to movie theaters is something that I very rarely do anymore.

So when people come up to me and say “Oh man, have you seen The Hangover (or pretty much any other new movie)?” I always say no, then, of course, they hit me with the following follow up.

“Dude! Why not? It’s hilllarrrious!”

Honestly, in my opinion, movies weren’t made to watch in a theater with a bunch of random strangers. You think when Orson Welles directed one of the greatest movies of all time according to film experts – Citizen Kane – that he wanted it to be watched by some genius who’s texting the duration of the movie sitting beside some moron asking “Who is that? ... What’s happening? ... What did I miss when I went to get another 50 pound bag of popcorn?” or the guy on the other side of him who keeps saying “I don’t get it.”

No, he didn’t.

Sometimes I wonder how movie theaters haven’t become obsolete. I also wonder if people really go to theaters to watch movies or because they consider them some sort of hot spot. If I wanted to sit on an uncomfortable seat with some woman laughing hysterically next to me while I get ripped off on drink prices, I’d go to a bar.

Have you noticed that movie theaters are always filled with about 50 different types of “that guys?”

There’s the laugh at the part that’s not funny guy, the I’m cool because I’ve thrown away my money to see this trash multiple times and say every line right before the actor says it guy, not to mention the shout out something that only my friends and I think is funny as soon as the lights dim guy, the can’t hold it the whole movie so always sit in the center of the row guy, the “Shhhh” guy, the whining kid guy, the crying woman guy, the crying guy guy, the “Sorry about spilling my drink on your shoes” guy, the I eat my popcorn louder than anyone in the world guy, the I didn’t know phones could be put on vibrate guy, the I’m a rebel who puts my feet on the back of your seat guy and the list goes on and on.

The sad part about all this is that I love movies. Comedies, documentaries, drama (even though studios don’t make good ones now), and more, but I always seem to wait until the DVD comes out before I watch the movies I really want to see to avoid the cornucopia of that guys who frequent theaters.

So I’ve come up with a solution. Movie studios should partner with Netflix or cable/satellite providers and allow people to pay to have new movies delivered to their computer via a Netflix account or television set via cable/satellite provider, but only allow the movies to play once.

This way, I could watch brand new movies without having to get off my comfy couch to sit in a narrow seat next to some guy that makes me want to flip my lid. I could make a bag of popcorn in my microwave and have a can of soda rather than pay $10 for four gallons of each at the theater. I could pause the movie to go to the bathroom and not have to come back and transform into “What did I miss?” guy?

“But Tim,” you say, “what about the human interaction of going to a movie theater?”

Ummm, newsflash, you go to a movie to watch a movie, not interact with the humans next to you … I’M TALKING TO YOU PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION GUY!

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