November 24, 2014
opinion

Oh the stuff people will buy

Posted 10/21/09

If you’re at all like me, you at one time in your life collected something that you were sure would be worth thousands and thousands of dollars one day.

For me it was basketball/baseball cards. Now, I realize my boyhood dreams of wealth were futile, as the cards sit in boxes at my parents’ house, not doing anything but taking up space.

I guess I was just collecting the wrong stuff, though. Had I been alive two or three decades before I was born, I would’ve been smart enough to know what to collect – Elvis Presley’s hair.

At an auction on Oct. 18, an alleged lock of the king’s hair sold for $15,000. Supposedly, the lock of hair was trimmed off of the Memphis Flash when he entered the military, getting his mandatory buzz upon arrival.

This story, not surprisingly, is full of holes… or maybe I should say follicles.

I don’t know from experience, but I don’t ever remember hearing stories from my friends in the service about their hair being collected and stored. Nor have I ever seen any barber or stylist pick up hair from the floor and keep in a nice, neat lock for preservation purposes.

Whoever bought this hair, you may want to get a DNA test on it.

And your money back if it comes back negative.

Also ridiculous is the fact that two shirts bought by one man at the auction went for a combined $80,000. Apparently, they were never washed and were quite sweaty.

When I was younger, I wish my parents would’ve taught me to stop wasting their money on stupid little basketball cards, since I usually only got mediocre players like Eric Montross and Tim Hardaway anyways, and do what every respectable collector does – develop an unhealthy, stalkerish obsession with someone who doesn’t know my name and follow them around everywhere.

That’s right kids, if you are lucky enough to ever see your favorite athlete out to dinner, don’t do the illogical thing and ask for an autograph.

Do the smart thing. The money-making thing. Wait for him or her to finish eating and scoop up their used napkins and silverware. Go to their team’s Web site and alert the forum of your new memorabilia… which is for sale.

That’s how you strike it rich.

Ever see a famous actor in person? Don’t take a picture with them, hide and follow from a distance until they spit out their gum. Once it falls to the ground/garbage/bottom of someone’s shoe, scrape it up and log on to eBay – it’s a sure fire way to make some dough.

Oooh, I just got a great idea! Why not get front row tickets to a Pistons game against the Cleveland Cavaliers? Expensive? Yes. But LeBron James bites his fingernails – sure to be a cool $10k littered on the floor near the bench!

I wonder what the person with the hair plans to do with it. Seriously.

Hang it on their wall?

I can imagine that, I guess, framed, with a little note below it.

“This hair was cut from Elvis Presley’s head in 19xx (I don’t know the date) and purchased for $15,000 at an auction in 2009. I mean that. You just read that right. Yeah, I know, I can’t believe it either. Who would do this? What a schmuck. Yeah, that guy standing behind you while you read this, the one with a goofy smile.”

Or maybe the person is a little more thoughtful and plans on returning the hair to the king when we one day master interstellar commuter travel. That way when we finally make it to Mars, where everyone who is said to be dead but still alive is at, the friendly purchaser of the hair can make sure its rightful owner gets it.

I’m not one to tell a person how to spend his or her money, but if the hair-brained hair-buyer really thinks that lock of hair is worth more than my car, I’d like to see them drive the hair to work. Or listen to the hair’s radio.

I guess there really is litle hope for mankind. But I, personally have hope. Hope the hair from Elvis has lice and its buyer soon does as well.

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