Jobs first … after guns in schools
News Editor | firstname.lastname@example.org
Ah, it’s good to know that “my” State Senator Mike Green is truly concerned about the worries of my fellow Arenac County residents and mine.
Sen. Green has recently introduced legislation that would reform corrections funding in an effort to get Standish Max open once again.
Except he didn’t.
Mr. Green recently began lobbying the DNR and DEQ to focus on cleaning up the E. Coli in the Saginaw Bay by any means necessary, as he knows the importance of the Bay to tourism in Standish, Pinconning and AuGres.
Whoops, wrong again.
Good ole Mikey G is working hard to bring manufacturing jobs to the area, reform our state’s system for funding education, and make good on campaign promises.
All right. You got me. I made that up, too.
Nope. Instead, Sen. Green is making sure the most important bill is brought to the floor in Lansing — a bill that would allow concealed weapons to be carried in or on churches, bars, college campuses and sports stadiums — you know, that sort of place where you often go and think “Man, I wish I had a glock on me right now.”
Honestly, I could care less about this piece of legislation for the most part. If I have no idea someone is carrying a gat next to me, then no harm done.
Plus, church could probably be more fun if the pastor gets going and someone in the back lets out a loud “Amen” and the Holy Spirit moves him or her to start firing a .45 in the air.
I mean, wouldn’t you feel so much safer knowing that if that loud belligerent guy at the bar gets rough with you and other patrons, the guy dressed in black, sitting quietly in the corner sipping whiskey on the rocks is going to grab him and put his gun to his face and hit him with a “I think it’s time for you to leave.”
We won’t even need cops anymore! We’ll all be safe no matter where we are! Modern-day John Waynes will give us all the protection we need.
Think about how much more effective referees might be if they look over to the coach and he pulls up his shirt six inches, flashing the .38 in his waistband. I doubt Jim Joyce would’ve waved off Armanda Galarraga’s perfect game if he knew 10,000 Tigers fans were brandishing iron.
Parents, there will be no need to worry about sending your daughter off to college for the next four years. Just make sure she goes equipped with that nice little deuce-deuce that fits so nicely in her purse.
And since Sen. Green doesn’t seem too concerned about jobs, education and the environment, don’t worry. It’s all good.
If you want a job, it’ll be easy. Just go up to the manager, pull out your piece, and say, “Am I hired now?”
If your child is struggling in school, just go to parent-teacher conferences, open your jacket to expose the metal and ask, “So you were saying little Joe is passing with flying colors?”
And if you see someone dumping toxic waste into a nearby body of water, or emitting pollution into the air, show them what you can emit. That’ll teach them.
Maybe this law will work out perfectly. Every vigilante, super cop, unlicensed PI and wannabe cowboy will move to Michigan. They’ll work, start businesses, buy homes and pay taxes here, and our economy will be saved.
BANG up job Sen. Green.
Way to start 2011 with a BANG.
I could go on and on.