Bold, but not so shocking
News Editor | firstname.lastname@example.org
I’ve noticed a lot of people making predictions of things that will happen in 2012. Not being one to miss a chance to throw in my two cents, I figured I would do the same thing. So what follows is my list of bold, but not so shocking predictions.
1. In 2012, a member of Congress will resign in shame. Like I said, this is not a shocking claim, as it seems to happen multiple times a year. How will it go down? I see one of two ways. In the first scenario, a Congressman who denounces gay marriage will be caught having an affair with a person of the same sex.
In the second scenario, a moronic member of the House who learned nothing from Anthony Weiner will mistakenly tweet a photo of “himself” to millions of people. Neither of these scenarios will be good for the country, but will be great for late night television hosts. The country will act shocked, but really, everyone will have seen it coming.
2. Voter turnout levels in 2012 will hit record lows. The National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 will disenfranchise voters on both sides of the aisle, leading voters to realize at last that no one in government cares about them. The law allows for indefinite detention of U.S. citizens with no charge or trial. The law was passed by a Tea Party Congress, which was supposedly going to limit the power of the federal government. Nope.
President Obama, who once said even Guantanamo Bay detainees should have trials, signed it, showing us all just how much power can corrupt people in a few short years. People will vote “lesser of two evils,” if they even vote at all, and the popular vote in the presidential race will be decided by the first candidate to reach 20 votes. (Yes, it’s an exaggeration, but the moral of the story is, this law is bull.) The first candidate to hit 20 will be some guy whose inaugural speech will start, “I just told my friends to write me in as a joke.”
3. A GOP Presidential candidate will admit they have no idea what they are talking about, they just want to be president. Then, they will transform into a winged beast and attack a room full of supporters, eating three. This will finally give them the spike in the polls they need. Instead of bowing out after the New Hampshire primary, they’ll bow out two weeks later. This is probably the route Rick Perry should go, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Michelle Bachmann beats him to it. Then again, Jon Huntsman could use a spike in the polls.
4. I will make millions of dollars while simultaneously getting in the best shape of my life. On Dec. 20, 2012 I will be voted as the funniest/sexiest man alive, finally guaranteeing that the end of the world will, in fact, come about Dec. 21, 2012. On that day, between me being honored and the ensuing zombie apocalypse, I will meet every power broker in the world, marry whomever is voted sexiest woman alive and buy my own private island which no one else is invited to.
As is my luck, it will all be taken away the next day when my wealth becomes meaningless and my wife attempts to eat me as breakfast in bed. I will be prepared, though, and my private island will be the only zombie-free location on the planet. Due to paranoia, however, I will not allow anyone else to live there. Slowly, I will lose my mind and eat my own arm, even though I am not a zombie.
OK, so maybe that last prediction was bold and shocking.